I smoke. Deal with it. Well, I don't smoke any more, but I did back then. We didn't know as much then as we do now. We didn't wonder every time we took a puff in which organ a new cancer cell was popping up. Smoking was a fun thing...a nice hobby. So I smoked, but not inside the house. My mom was far ahead of her time as far as smoking went and I was relegated to the outside with my cigarettes. So, every morning found me on the front porch in my heavy terry cloth robe, with my cup of coffee in one hand and my cigarette in the other. It wasn't too bad really. I enjoyed the brisk mornings, and there's nothing like that first drag on a cigarette to clear your head. Of course, eight degrees is pushing brisk, but most mornings were a little warmer than that. Jimmy and Dan had gone back to Chicago...together. That was a good thing. I liked them both and found it very comforting that they had each other. I was just passing the time until the semester started and I could be with Tom again.

It was then that my little visitor appeared. He was about four years old, and about the cutest little kid I had ever seen. He came every morning dressed in a fluffy yellow parka with shiny black buttons. His eyes were almost as black as the buttons and looked like two more of them surrounded by the yellow of the hood. He had a killer smile, and when he laughed, his giggle lit up the dreariest of mornings. He said his name was Little Andy, and that's what I called him. I didn't know where he came from. It was as though he had been dropped off each morning by the elves to entertain me, and entertain me he did. Little Andy and I had wonderful conversations about the world and about science and, well, anything that might pop into Little Andy's head. I was crazy about the kid, and couldn't wait to see him every morning. The best part about Little Andy was that he made me laugh.

But where did he come from" Weren't his parents worried" Who let a kid out in the morning without knowing where he was? Of course, this was "way back when," and we were in a small town, and nobody worried about the boogie man who lived down the street. But, what if the boogie man really did live down the street" What then" Andy's parents were not about to win any parenting awards as far as I was concerned.

After the first couple of mornings, I started feeling very guilty about drinking my coffee in front of Andy, so I started bringing him a cookie. There we were every morning, drinking my coffee and eating his cookie and talking a blue streak about the most interesting things. One morning we were really into a conversation about why paint would chip off of a porch railing, when someone said, "So this is why Andy can't fit into his new pants."

Andy yelled, "Daddy," and ran into the arms of one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. It was Andy all grown up. He had the same black eyes, the same dark hair, the same killer smile, and very nearly the same little giggle. Andy wasn't this guy's kid, Andy was his clone.

It is here that we should pause and ask just why God was sending into my life only drop dead gorgeous guys. I couldn't talk to drop dead gorgeous guys, because I was too busy thinking about how drop dead gorgeous they were. My conversations ended up consisting of one to two word sentences followed usually by an intelligent, "huh?" Now, if God could have arranged and ugly guy or two, I could have handled that. I could have talked an ugly guy's leg off about almost any subject in the world. We could talk into the wee hours of the morning about world peace, or theology, or whether or not there was life on Mars. But, put a gorgeous guy in front of me, and my IQ dropped immediately to 20. Such it was with Little Andy's father.

"Do I know you?"

"Huh?" Great. I had made it to the "huh" without even making it through the two word sentence.

"Do I know you?", said the gorgeous man.

"I don't think so." I answered. I would remember you. Oh, yes, I'm sure I would remember you. I would have your picture on my wall. There would be a heart by it with an arrow through it, and I would sit for hours and stare at it and day dream.

"Well, I came to see who the guy was that Andy kept talking about. For a long time, I thought he was making you up, but then yesterday, he came in with this half of a chocolate chip cookie, and I thought I'd better come with him this morning to see who Willie was. You Willie?"

"Yep." So prolific. So verbal. So impressive.

"Hi, my name is Andy Hanes. Most people call me Big Andy. We live about two houses down in the old Klein place."

This was Andy Hanes, THE Andy Hanes" Andy had been the big high school basketball star when I was in about the sixth grade. I went to every game just to watch him score twenty or thirty points. He was the best guard I had ever seen. He got a full scholarship to Iowa State when he graduated. I had wanted to BE Andy Hanes!

"Hi. Willie Anderson."

"You one of the Anderson brothers? I don't remember you."

"I was the runt of the litter. The other ones were older. I remember you, though. You were my hero...number 17, Andy Hanes. I used to come to every basketball game just to watch you shoot jump shots."

"Hey, wait a minute. You're making me sound like I'm about 40 years old. I'm 26 years old, and what are you, about 20?"

"Nineteen."

"And I'm your hero?"

"You were back then. Remember, a high school senior looks mighty old to a kid in the sixth grade."

"I guess you're right." He looked a little sad.

"You do OK at Iowa State?"

"Uh, yeah. Hey, Willie, I've gotta run or I'll be late for work. It was nice meeting you. Thanks for taking care of Little Andy here. He really thinks a lot of you. Is it OK that he keeps coming over to see you in the mornings?

"It'd ruin my day if he didn't.

"Great. See you."

"Bye, Andy." And, Andy was gone.

"Mom, what do you know about Andy Hanes?"

"You finally meet him, did you?

"Yeah, he came over this morning to get Little Andy. Seems like a really sad guy. What's up? He was my hero you know.

"Your Hero? Andy Hanes?"

"When I was a kid and he was playing basketball. I used to go to all the games just to see him shoot that jump shot. I wanted to be just like him."

"I take it that was before you found out that your jump shot was a flop."

"Mom."

"Well, it was."

"Yeah, I know, but you didn't have to say so."

"I'm a mom. It's my job to say so. All those games I went to. All those games you didn't play in."

"Well, I made the team."

"Sammy Grimes made the team and he was 4ft six."

"Mom, that hurts."

"Don't feel bad, sweetie, the bench hasn't been that warm since you left."

Good ole Mom. She was always there when you needed her.

"But what about baseball? I could slam anything they threw at me."

"Yes, but you threw like a girl."

"What?"

"You threw like a girl. Anything over ten feet away, and the guy was safe."

"You never said that before."

"I was saving your feelings. Always looked at your dad and said, 'Thank God he's smart because he can't sing or dance either.' "

"So the scholarship meant a lot to you then."

"It was your only chance, Willie." She was laughing over the bacon.

" Mom, you're terrible. It's a wonder I have any self-confidence at all."

"Willie, you have the ego strength of Mount Rushmore. I never worried about you in that department."

She was right. It seemed like no matter what happened, I still came out of it thinking I was all right. There were down times and times when I thought life was awful, but eventually, I always fought back. I guess a mother knows those things. Besides, I could always look in the mirror and see that cute guy looking back at me. I really liked being cute.

"What happened with Andy, Mom?"

"Happened?"

"You know, with the scholarship and all. I thought he'd be in the NBA by now."

"Well, first of all, he was too short for the NBA."

"Well, what about Iowa State?"

"He went. He did OK. Problem was, she went too."

"Who?"

"Beth Wilkins."

"Cheerleader Beth Wilkins?"

"Ummmm hmmm."

"Cute little Beth Wilkins?"

"Ummmm hmmm.:

"Big boobed Beth Wilkins?"

"Willie, we could go on like this forever. She was a little slut and everyone knew it. Well, I guess everyone knew it but Andy. He was head over heels in love with the little tramp."

"Mom...."

"I call 'em like I see 'em, Willie, and that girl had tramp written all over her. Anyway, she followed Andy to Iowa State and one thing led to another and, well...."

"What?"

"She got pregnant, that's what. Andy being Andy, he dropped off the team and went to work to support her and the baby. Of course, he lost his scholarship. I guess they were making it, and then...."

"What?"

"She just up and left him. She ran off with some old guy she knew...someone she worked for, I think. Andy was devastated. He had nothing left. Well, he did have one thing left. He had Little Andy. She didn't take the baby. He stayed on for awhile trying to make it, but there was no way. Finally, last year he moved home and rented the Klein place. He works for his uncle Henry down at Engel's Grocery. They say he's a real good manager for someone so young. Everyone likes him. Poor Andy. That slut."

"And you know all of this how?"

"It's a small town, Willie, and Andy's mother has a big mouth. Everyone knows, but we don't talk about it much. That kid had so much potential. It's so sad."

"He still has potential, Mom."

"He has a kid, Willie. Grow up."

I didn't care much for Mom's attitude, but I had to admit that she was probably right. But having someone like Little Andy couldn't be all bad. The kid was wonderful, and at least he wouldn't remind Big Andy of Beth. There was absolutely no Beth in him. Such a cute kid. Such a cute Dad. My hero had gone bad. I was a little depressed, so I went to my room to play some music.

"Andy, the phone."

"Who is it?"

"The Lone Ranger. How should I know?"

"OK, I'll get it. Hello...."

"Hello, Willie?"

"Yeah, this is Willie. Who's this?"

"It's Andy Hanes. Hey, Willie, Little Andy and I are having our Friday night pizza party tonight and wondered if you'd like to come down and join us."

"Yeah, I'd like that, Andy. It just so happens I'm free tonight."

"I thought you might be." He laughed. "I get off about six and have to pick Andy up at the baby sitter's. Could you come down about seven then?"

"Sure."

"See you then."

Well, well, well, I was going to have pizza with my hero. He may be my fallen hero, but he was still my hero. All I could see in my mind was Andy on that basket ball floor jumping high and firing off that jump shot. Boy, was that guy graceful. I wondered if I had a crush on him then. This gay thing was a bit puzzling and I was constantly trying to go back in my childhood and pick up gay clues. Was Andy an adolescent hero or an adolescent crush? Oh, well, I guess there isn't a whole lot of difference is there? I looked forward to getting to know him better, and an evening with Little Andy would be a lot of fun. It would be interesting to see what he looked like without his parka on. I wondered if he would be really thin or kind of chubby? Either way, he would be Andy. That's all that counted. It wouldn't be too bad getting to look at Big Andy either. He was one great looking guy. Yep, I was looking forward to the pizza party.

"Hey, hi Willie. Welcome to our humble home." I didn't even have time to get my coat off and Little Andy had jumped into my arms. He had his arms around my neck and was laughing hysterically.

"Hey, hey there, Tiger," said his dad," Let's give Willie a chance to get his coat off, OK?" Little Andy was thin. I guess it was the parka that was chubby.

"Nice place you've got here, Andy." And it was. It wasn't what I expected at all. It was neat and clean and had been decorated with some good taste. Either Andy's mother had been here to help, or Andy had a bit of a flare for decorating.

"Thanks. I'm putting it together little by little as I get some extra money now and then. It suits us. Sit down?"

"Thanks."

It was a great evening. The pizza came from Gordy's, which was my favorite place in town and Little Andy was just the right amount of cute and sweet. He fell asleep in my arms. I remembered what Mom had said and kindly did not try to sing him to sleep. The feeling of Little Andy sleeping with his head on my chest was so peaceful. It almost made me want one of those...but not quite. I would be fine rocking other people's kids, thank you. Andy took him carefully out of my hands and took him upstairs to bed. Such a sweet sight, Andy taking Little Andy to bed. You could feel the love between them.

Andy came back down. He was glowing. Little Andy just did that to people.

"Another beer, Willie?"

"No, I don't think so. It's getting late. I really should be going."

"Oh, don't go yet. You spent the whole evening playing with Andy. I don't feel like I got to know you at all. Stay for just a little while longer, if you don't mind."

He was lonely. I could feel that. I stayed.

"How is school, Willie? Do you like it?"

"I'm not sure. I go to class and study and take tests. Yeah, I guess I like it. It beats working I guess." Andy got a funny look on his face. "Oh, I'm sorry Andy."

"No need to apologize, Willy. I take it you've heard the sad, sad story."

"Yeah, and it is pretty sad, Andy."

"I guess it is, but you know, without Beth I would never have had Andy. I will always be grateful to her for that."

This was an amazing guy. He might turn out to be my hero after all. He was in front of the fire, leaning against the mantel and looking down into his beer. It was quiet for a long time. He looked so sad standing there. I don't know why I did it, but I got up, walked over to him, took him into my arms and just held him. I half expected him to pull away, but he seemed to sense the emotion behind my action, and he just let himself relax into my arms. It was as though all of the weight of the world had been on his shoulders and at last someone had given him a chance to rest. I think I felt his knees start to buckle, but he caught himself quickly. I didn't let go, and he didn't seem to want me to. We stood that way for about five minutes.

"Willie?"

"Yeah, Andy?"

"You gay?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"You?"

"Uh, huh."

"You think we could like go and sit on the couch now, Andy. I don't know if I can hold you up much longer."

"Sure."

I released my grip, and we went over to the couch and sat down. It was strange. I was hard, but not turned on exactly. It was a feeling I had never had before.

"That's why she left, you know."

"Beth?"

"Yeah. She caught me with another guy. She just started screaming and crying and packed her suitcase and she was gone. She wrote me later and asked me to send her things. She said she was starting over and didn't want anything to remind her of me and that included Andy. I haven't heard from her since."

"You been gay forever?" He put his head on my shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess. I don't think I knew, though...not until I got into college. There was this guy...on the basketball team. His name was Hank. He was gorgeous. His ass was even more gorgeous. I couldn't help myself. One night after practice he made a move and that was it. There was no going back. I was gay. I didn't know what to do about Beth and Andy, so I didn't do anything. I just kept seeing Hank and living the rest of the time like I was straight, and then she found us. I think I wanted to be found, really. Otherwise, why would I have been having sex with Hank in our living room?"

He seemed exhausted. I sensed that he just didn't have the energy to move. I moved over slightly and his head slipped easily into my lap. I played with his hair and stroked it gently. It was almost exactly the way I had just put Little Andy to sleep. There was no way he didn't feel my erection through my pants, but he didn't say anything and he didn't move either. In no time at all Big Andy was asleep with his head in my lap. He looked so peaceful there that I didn't have the heart to wake him. What was a little sex anyway? I'd get over it, and the poor guy must be exhausted, all alone and taking care of a little kid. I just stroked his hair and enjoyed the quiet sound of his breathing. His head laying on my hard dick wasn't bad either. I let my head rest on the back of the couch and just closed my eyes to rest them.

I don't know how long I was asleep, but I awoke to the nicest of sensations. My dick was being slowly and tenderly sucked. It was a good feeling and I didn't want to open my eyes. I just wanted to let the feeling go on and on forever. It took me awhile to remember where I was, and soon after that, I figured out who must have been doing the sucking. I smiled and moaned softly and let my eyes stay closed. Mmmmmmm. Such a nice feeling. There was no rush, no need to reciprocate, no need even for lust. It was just a nice, slow, quiet suck. Mmmmmm.

For awhile Andy was content just to lay there with my hard dick in his mouth, moving up and down and sucking when the spirit moved him. But then he wanted more. He unbuckled my belt, and as I lifted myself off the couch, he pulled my pants down to my ankles. "Mmmmmm", he sighed. "Mmmmmm", I sighed back. Then he sucked my balls. It was just like the other sucking, slow, tender, and oh so sensual. I was floating somewhere above the couch in complete bliss. A little tongue here, a little tongue there, a tiny bite now and then. Oh, Andy, keep that up, baby. Oh, yeah. And he did, for quite awhile.

It was time for me to return the favor. I opened my eyes and looked at the beautiful man who was making such wonderful love to me. Black hair, black eyes, perfect complexion, and a beautiful, beautiful face. I wanted him. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted to make up for all those years. I wanted to help him forget the sorrow that was always just behind his eyes. And I knew that I would.

I took his face in my hands and pulled him up to me. I pulled him close and, as I did, we melted into one another in a soft kiss as beautiful as his love making had been before. I gently laid him down and stood up to remove the rest of my clothing. It wasn't a slow, sexy, lusty thing, but just taking my clothing off to ready myself for the wonderful things that were to come. I knew I had a great body, but somehow all of the good looks didn't matter to me now. We were simply two lovers in the night.

Naked, I pulled him up from the couch. I didn't have to say anything. He just looked into my eyes and started removing his clothes also. I could hardly wait to see him. I knew his body would be as beautiful and as perfect as the parts of him I had already seen. I did not expect a huge penis, and didn't really care. In fact, a huge penis would have been out of place on the body that stood before me. When he had finished undressing, perfection stood before me. Complexion is not something I usually notice, but Andy's skin was so beautiful and soft in contrast to the complete hardness of his muscles. I took a moment to drink him in. Then I motioned for him to turn around, which he did slowly, exposing an ass so beautiful that it must have made the angels sing. I could not wait to touch this man, and so I slowly walked to him and knelt down.

He smiled at me, put his hands on my head, and spread his legs slightly, letting his hardening dick and balls swing effortlessly between them. I started with the balls and sucked each in turn into my mouth. He sighed deeply and dug his fingers softly into my hair. I licked under each ball gently, enjoying the taste and the smell of this wonderful creature. Then, it was on to the beautiful penis, not large, but just right. It was hard now, but barely hard. I took the head in my mouth and sucked long, using my tongue as I did so. Another sigh. The sigh pleased me and I had to put my own hand between my legs to address the throbbing there. I continued to suck slowly downward until I arrived at the base, pulling back then and allowing my lips to caress all the way up until, finally, and unhurried, I pulled my mouth from the object of my pleasure. Again, I took it in my mouth. I took just the tip this time, sucking and twirling my tongue around and around as what had been a sigh became a deep moaning sound. His body gyrated slowly as I sucked. We were one.

I could have given him pleasure forever, but felt his hand touch softly under my chin, pulling me up to a standing position. Our eyes met. We moved closer together, crushing our penises between us. Our balls pushed together. We both moaned at the wonderful sensation. The kiss. The kiss was long and tender. The tongues entwined. The bodies slowly moved, allowing every possible tingling sensation, but it was the balls that I remember now. The rubbing together of the testicles was so intense that I had to stop myself from cumming. "Mmmmmm", I whispered in his ear. "Don't ever stop."

"No," he said.

Then passion and lust began to take over. The slow quiet love making was behind us. We would be driven now towards something more basic, something more animalistic, something wild. And we were more than ready. Andy reached down and took my balls in his hand and gave them a gentle pull, and at the same time reached around behind me and rubbed the crack of my ass. He was a top. It would be good. He knelt before me and took my dick into his mouth. It was warm, and seeing his beautiful lips moving on my dick once again almost sent me down the path of no return. I bit my lip to keep from cumming. On he went sucking and licking and playing with my ass with his finger. I thought I would go crazy, and as his actions took on more and more urgency, so too did the movement of my body. I needed him. I was ready. I was so, so hard. Take me, my love. Take me now. And he did.

We had placed a comforter in front of the fireplace. The dancing flames sent romantic images around the room. My lover led me quietly, softly, slowly, but oh, so urgently towards the fire. There he turned me and laid me down on my stomach, my buttocks waiting round and firm, anxious for his attention. He knelt down, spread them apart and began to lick. This was not the slow love making of before, but the love making of a man who was ready to give his love incredible wanton pleasure. His tongue licked and probed and pressed deeply, penetrating inside me, only making me want more what I knew was to come.

"Fuck me, please. For god's sake, Andy, fuck me."

He pulled me up to my knees and poured an oil down the crack of my ass. It had been warmed by the fire and did even more to turn me on and to heighten my desire to be penetrated by this beautiful man. "Don't wait, Andy. Do it, baby. Do it to me. Fuck me now, baby. I have to have your dick in me. You're driving me crazy, baby. Fuck me. Fuck me." And with one thrust, he was in. I yelled. I don't know how loud I yelled, but I yelled with a combination of pain and lust and an ecstasy I can't describe. Andy froze, his dick up my ass as far as it would go, afraid to move, my ass clinching his dick tightly.

"Oh, god," I said. "Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Don't move, baby. Leave it there for just a minute while I feel every inch of it. Oh, baby, I love you." And then he kissed me gently on the shoulder.

He started fucking me slowly and lustfully, moans escaping periodically from his body. They were low, animalistic moans and became part of the fucking. Slowly his tempo increased, taking me ever higher with it. I knew that, when I exploded, it would be incredible. I knew he would take me to heights I had never known. I gave myself entirely to him, trusting his every move, his every thrust. Faster and faster and faster he went, until the moans had become a low steady scream. "Oh, take me, Andy. Take me higher, baby. Let's go, baby. Oh, god, baby, fuck me. Fuck me!" The speed of his fucking was now unbelievable. We were soaring together to an orgasmic conclusion I had never known. Higher and higher we went until I could stand it no longer, and with one last thrust, Andy, froze, his dick deep within me. I felt his dick pulsate as he screamed my name, and I was sent over the edge myself as I came all over the comforter. We screamed with complete abandon and fell still coupled to the floor.

There was no movement. Movement was not possible as the orgasm spread from my dick and balls slowly through my body. Tears ran down my cheeks, as I felt the warmth of him, his dick still lovingly buried inside me and the wonderful feeling of the slowly dying orgasm. We kissed. After a time by the fire, smiling, he took my hand and led me upstairs to his bed, pulling back the sheets. I climbed in and he climbed in beside me, embracing me in his warm strong arms. Slowly, enjoying the sweet touch of our bodies, we fell asleep.

I would love this man, this gentle soul, forever. Our lives could never be entwined. It was not to be. But we had become one for a time, and that oneness was forever. He was part of me now. I would take part of him with me through my life, and once in awhile, when life seemed especially hard, I would feel him, his kindness and his gentleness, and I would softly smile.