A Penny For Your Thoughts by Alephx1

Alex observed Jeremy as he hopped onto the half-height wall that separated his house from the beach beyond. His face radiated a soft orange glow as he quietly watched the setting sun cast shimmering tendrils of light across the crashing surf. It was the middle of November but he barely felt it. It was still sixty five degrees outside, and in the distance Alex could make out surfers doing their eternal dance with the sea.

Jeremy was shirtless and, as usual, wearing a pair of shorts and sandals that seemed to be standard uniform for Mission Beach residents. Alex, who was always a little self-conscious of his body, usually wore a t-shirt even in the hot summer months.

Since he'd known him, Jeremy had often come over to sit on Alex's wall to watch the sun set. Alex always wondered why sunsets and sunrises were so fascinating to Jeremy, or for that matter, anyone else. He supposed he just wasn't much of a romantic.

The sight of Jeremy on the wall today wouldn't usually have disturbed Alex, if it were not for the forlorn look on his face as he stared off into the distance. Come to think of it, thought Alex, he's been acting that way for almost a month now. Being sad was just not Jeremy's thing.

Alex had moved down to San Diego right after finishing his Bachelor's degree in Seattle. Having lived there all his life, he was badly itching to leave the rain, the cold weather, and the pretentious coffee-clutch crowd that called themselves his friends. They weren't bad friends, per se, but he never felt as if he connected with any of them. At best, he remembered, they were very close acquaintances.

Somewhere inside of him he had felt a dark void growing, threatening to swallow him whole if he didn't do something about it. He needed something new, a breath of fresh air to wash the emptiness away. So he decided to leave. It was that decision that found him moving into a little white stucco house that faced the ocean. Which, as it turned out, was right next door to Jeremy.

The morning after he'd moved in, Jeremy had been sitting on Alex's half-wall when he first stepped out of his new home and onto his little patio. His plane had touched ground late the night before, and he was still a little groggy from waking up. Startled at the noise, Jeremy had hopped off of the wall and spun around to face him. Their first words, remembered Alex, were somewhat comical.

"What are you doing here?" Jeremy had asked inquisitively.

Alex had to think a moment, not quite sure of what to make of the guy. He was about the same height as himself -- about 5' 9" -- but had that quintessential surfer-guy look about him. His face was strong, but not so sharp as to seem harsh. Strands of dark brown hair went in every direction, quite few of them with their tips frosted blonde. That day Jeremy was wearing a slightly tattered shirt, and his hair was in disarray. What Alex didn't know at the time was that Jeremy's hair was always in disarray.

"Well," Alex finally answered, "I live here. I hope for your sake that you haven't made this place your home. I don't want to have to call the police."

Jeremy's brow had furled for a second or two before he had burst out laughing. Jeremy explained that his place didn't have a patio. It turned out that the house Alex was renting had been empty for a few years. Jeremy had been appropriating the half-height wall for some time now, not expecting the house to ever be lived in again.

Alex remembered immediately liking the guy and his carefree nature. He was like a breath of fresh air compared to his Seattle acquaintances. There was something about his personality, the ease at which he laughed, and the charm in his ear-to-ear smile that Alex found refreshing and comfortable. As he grew to know him, he noticed that he could always talk to Jeremy without feeling on-guard.

Jeremy lived with an absentee room mate that was only there on the weekends. A pair of couples lived on either side of their houses, and their other immediate neighbors never seemed to be home. Jeremy was the only other guy around with whom Alex could really identify with.

Over the next two years they had become very close friends. Sure, Alex had quickly made other friends, but it was Jeremy that he found himself venting to when another friend pissed him off. It was he whom Alex would rave to about the girl he saw just the other day. It's the same the other way too, Alex thought to himself.

A few months back, a girl whom Jeremy had been dating for over a year had broken up with him. As he was telling him about the break-up, Jeremy seemed extremely shaken. Alex had sat next to him on the half-wall, which by this time had become their place to talk about serious subjects. He had given him a friendly side embrace to try and comfort him, and Jeremy had immediately broken into tears. He had cried for a long while.

In the midst of Jeremy's pain, Alex was touched that his friend felt comfortable enough around him to cry in his presence. They had talked the next day some more about the subject, and over the next few weeks Jeremy seemed to return to his old self again. Which was why Alex was so bothered now, looking at his friend sitting on the wall.

Alex plodded over in his sandals and hopped up to sit next to his friend. Jeremy didn't turn his head or acknowledge him. He continued to look at the sun, which by now had exploded into a thousand brilliant shades of red and yellow across the horizon. The boardwalk between the beach and the house was quiet; the neighbors and tourists had no doubt retreated indoors to enjoy a good meal or a good show on the television. Alex spied only one or two people walking along the beach where the water met the sand.

"Half-dollar for your thoughts," prompted Alex.

"You mean 'penny' right?"

"Well, you know, inflation and all..." Alex replied, jokingly. He swore that for an instant a smile touched Jeremy's face. But only for an instant. Jeremy simply sighed and was silent for a minute or two.

"You know..." Jeremy started, and then was silent again. Alex knew something was bugging him by the way his brow had furled. He listened patiently.

"You ever think that sometimes you wish you could just do something you wanted to do real bad, but can't 'cause you'd totally screw something up that you couldn't live without?"

Alex smiled. "Whoa, man, that's deep."

"No, come on man, seriously. Don't you ever wish you could do something, no consequences, and that's it?" Alex could see that Jeremy was having a hard time talking about whatever was bothering him.

"How long have I known you?" asked Alex, a little more seriously, "you've never had any trouble talking to me about anything. You know you can tell me whatever you want."

Jeremy hesitated again before answering.

"Just work with me on this one for a sec," he said.

Alex nodded. "Okay, sure. I suppose everyone has a thought like that sometimes."

Alex was now really curious about the root of Jeremy's questions. What was he planning on doing? He conjectured that Jeremy might be royally pissed at Steve, a mutual friend of theirs. Jeremy and Steve had recently had an argument over the girl Jeremy had just broken up with. Alex suspected that Steve was going out with her, and suspected that Jeremy had found out. That implied, of course, that she had dumped Jeremy for Steve. He hoped Jeremy wasn't planning on jumping Steve the next time he saw him. Jeremy was a great guy, and Alex had never seen him do anything violent. But he wasn't so sure he wouldn't.

Jeremy faced Alex, the deep blue of his eyes glinting in the twilight. He brought his foot up onto the wall and placed his chin on his raised knee.

"So, let's say that you felt you needed to do something real bad, but you'd screw something else up that you needed just as bad. What would you do?"

Alex thought a moment. He needed to do a little fishing. "Well, are you sure you've fully considered the consequences of doing the first thing? Are you sure you'll know what'll happen?" Yeah, like maybe you'll get some jail time for beating Steve up, and alienate the girl while you're at it, thought Alex to himself.

"Yeah, well, I guess I'm pretty sure," Jeremy answered.

"But you're not one hundred percent sure."

"No I guess not." Jeremy looked at Alex expectantly.

"Well, I'd sure as hell tell my best friend about it before jumping into it," Alex said, a little more forcefully than he had intended.

Jeremy jumped off of the half wall and started to make his way into Alex's house. Alex couldn't tell if he had pissed him off.

"Look man, I just want to know what's bugging you," he called after him. "You can tell me, really." Without turning around, Jeremy answered, almost under his breath.

"You're the last person I'd be able to tell."

Alex didn't know if it was his tone, or the intended insult that made him angry. Jeremy had almost reached the door when Alex hopped off of the wall and walked after him.

"Hey man, that hurt. I'd really like to know what I did to deserve that."

Jeremy paused at the sliding glass doors that lead into Alex's living room. "Nothing, man, I just can't tell you." With that, he walked into the house. Alex followed him in.

Inside, the decorations were pretty spartan; Alex liked simplicity when it came to furnishing his house. The only embellishment in his living room was an old-fashioned bubble gum machine that he kept well stocked. He had seen it in an antique shop and took a liking to it. Jeremy was twisting the handle around to retrieve a ball of gum.

"Look," started Alex, "if you're in trouble I want to help."

Jeremy looked up with a torn look on his face. "I'm not in trouble, man, just leave it at that, okay? It's none of your business." If Jeremy wasn't pissed before, he sure seemed to be now.

Now Alex was getting really angry. None of his business? "Look, you came over, sat on my wall, and started in with the strange questions. You obviously want to make it my business, otherwise you wouldn't have come over to sit on my wall." His voice had raised a few decibels in the last second.

"Fine, I won't sit on your goddamned wall anymore. You can have your fucking wall all to yourself!"

Alex was flabbergasted at the response. Jeremy obviously was trying to hide something from him, and it hurt him that he wasn't being open.

"I don't care about the fucking wall. This isn't about a stupid wall," Alex said, quickly lowering the tone of his voice. He was really worried now. Jeremy was being extremely stand-offish. "Just tell me what's wrong, man, you're really worrying me."

"Fine!" yelled Jeremy. Alex could see that he had started shaking. He could see that the ball of bubble gum in Jeremy's hand had a dent from where he was squeezing it. "You want to know what's the matter? I'll show you what's the matter!"

Suddenly, Jeremy grabbed Alex's shoulders and pushed him against the wall next to the bubble gum machine. It almost tipped over from the impact. Alex was shocked at this show of force, but not as shocked as when he felt Jeremy's lips press onto his own. It was a wet, sloppy kiss, but Alex didn't notice. He didn't believe what Jeremy was doing.

As suddenly as he was on him, Jeremy let go. They stood there for a good minute, neither of them able to speak. The angered look on Jeremy's face slowly melted into one of anguish and fear.

"Oh, god," he said, enunciating each word as it left his lips. "Oh god."

Alex still couldn't say anything. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, he wondered why the stud that pierced Jeremy's lower lip didn't glimmer more now that it was wet with his saliva. About twenty other maniacal thoughts passed through his head in the span of half a minute.

Jeremy bolted for the front door and was gone before Alex could recover.

Alex made his way over to his couch and sat down. Inside, his feelings were in chaos, a multitude of emotions were vying for his attention all at once. He played the scene over in his mind again - the heated argument, the warm and surprisingly passionate kiss. And then he wondered why he wasn't even the slightest bit disgusted.

Alex's romantic life could be summed up as three relationships with three girlfriends, each of which had ended with them being little more than friends, if that. He had never felt companionship, never had anyone who understood him. Not until, he realized, he had met Jeremy. Jeremy, who had been there the last two years. Jeremy who he genuinely had fun being around. Jeremy who, Alex realized, meant more to him than any of the girls that he had dated.

But Jeremy was a guy.

Did he care? Of course he did, he thought. Didn't he? One way or the other he had to talk to him. If he was this confused, he could imagine what Jeremy was going through. Jeremy had been there for him through difficult times, he owed him at least that.

Alex found him crouched on the sand a few meters from a seal, which looked like it was sleeping. The sun had finished setting a while back and the stars had rolled in to shine brilliantly over the ocean. Both Jeremy and Alex found peace here at Seal Rock, and would often waste hours on end talking about nothing and everything while staring at the seals. Tonight the place was deserted. Alex crouched next to Jeremy on the sand.

"Never noticed how fast you could move on that skateboard of yours," Alex started, "It almost took me an hour on those new skates I bought."

Jeremy shifted uneasily, but didn't face him. Alex suspected that if he was too ashamed to face him, he probably wouldn't be much for conversation. He persisted anyway.

"Yeah, La Jolla's seems pretty close whenever I drive here." A few feet away a seal rolled onto its back and grunted.

"Look..." Jeremy started, almost under his breath. He paused.

"Yeah?" Alex prompted.

"I shouldn't have done that. Please don't tell anyone I did that." His voice was pleading, almost begging.

Alex sighed and said nothing.

"I understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. Just please don't tell anyone."

Alex lifted his arm and rested it on Jeremy's shoulder. He felt his body stiffen at the touch. Slowly, Jeremy turned his head to face him. Alex could see his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed. He gave Jeremy's shoulder a quick squeeze as he stood up.

In the hour that it took him to skate to the La Jolla waterfront, Alex's thoughts on the subject hadn't cleared up much, but he knew for sure that whatever happened, he didn't want to lose his best friend. He measured his words carefully.

"You should know by now there's just about nothing you could do to hurt our friendship. Not even... Well, not even that. The truth is, if it helps any, I didn't mind so much that you did it."

Alex realized that he was telling the truth. If he hadn't been so shocked, he thought, he might have enjoyed it. He could see Jeremy relax a bit by the way his shoulders lowered.

Jeremy stood to face Alex and for the first time since the incident he looked directly at him. Jeremy's eyes were as brilliant as the stars, and Alex felt he might get lost in them if he stared too long. Then again, he thought, he wouldn't mind getting lost in there.

"So, you're okay with it?" asked Jeremy. Alex nodded his response.

"Okay well," Jeremy began, "I guess I should tell you the rest of it. And then you can tell me if you still want to hang around me. I'll understand if you don't."

Alex nodded again. "Go on."

"Well, one of the reasons I broke up with Suze was that I didn't feel the relationship was going anywhere. I always expected it to become more like when I hang out with you."

"Wait a minute," interrupted Alex, "I thought she broke up with you."

Jeremy shook his head. "Yeah, that's what I told everyone."

"But you were so broken up about it."

For the first time in a while, Jeremy smiled, but Alex could detect a little cynicism in it.

"Well, let me finish," he began again. "I was really confused, and I guess I still am a little, about the way I feel while I'm around you. I mean, you're my best buddy right?

"So anyway, I broke up with Suze, and went over to your place. I fully intended to tell you how I felt, but at the last minute I chickened out and told you that story. When you gave me that hug I lost it."

Jeremy looked towards the ground and broke eye contact with Alex.

"I guess what I want to say... is that, for what it's worth..." Jeremy paused again as he took a deep breath. "I guess what I want to say is that I've been in love with you for a while now. And that's the truth, and I'll understand if you're uncomfortable and don't want to be around me anymore."

He looks so lost, thought Alex as he stared at Jeremy. It was almost unbearable for him to see his best friend looking so powerless, as if his spirit had been beaten from him. He realized that Jeremy had just put his life into his hands. He had no words for him, so he simply stepped forward and embraced him tightly. For the second time since he'd known him, Jeremy's eyes became moist with tears.

They stood like that for what seemed like hours before Alex relaxed his grip. Jeremy moved his head from Alex's shoulder and faced him.

Alex knew what was coming, and he wasn't sure he was ready for it. A part of him wanted this to happen, while another part wanted to push violently away.

He suddenly noticed Jeremy's scent, a combination of deodorant and sweat that Alex suddenly found sweet and wonderful. He felt Jeremy's warmth against his chest, and felt content to simply be in his presence.

And so he simply closed his eyes as he once again felt Jeremy's soft lips touch his own. The kiss was tentative, fleeting. But it was enough for Alex to taste Jeremy's breath, a touch of mint mouthwash mixed with the salty taste of his tears. They hovered, faces centimeters away from each other, as they both waited for a sign from the other that what they had done was okay.

This time, Alex closed the distance. He felt his mouth open as Jeremy's tongue pushed its way past his teeth. Jeremy placed his hands on the back of Alex's head and ruffled his hair. This kiss was sloppy, their tongues intertwined in a dance of passion, the taste was sweeter than wine. They didn't part for a long while.

They found a place under the overhang of a cliff, one of many on the La Jolla coastline. The cliff blocked most of the light from the lamps on the street above, but the moon lit the alcove with an eerie pale glow. Below them, the waves crashed on the rock face with ferocious intensity. But they didn't notice.

Alex again found himself against a wall, but this time made of rock. The kissing was wilder now, each savoring the taste of something new and forbidden. Alex found himself running his hands down Jeremy's hard chest, down his stomach, which flinched at his touch. The t-shirt that covered it was slightly damp from the moisture spraying up in a mist from below. He pushed the shirt up with his hands slowly, caressing the sides of Jeremy's body. Alex had seen Jeremy shirtless many times and envied his chiseled chest and defined six-pack, which he didn't seem to need much effort in maintaining. Cursed with bad genetics and Seattle weather for most of his youth, Alex had to work out every day just to maintain his flat stomach. But Jeremy seemed to do what he wanted and eat what he wanted, and still his body was beautiful to look at. Alex hadn't dreamed in a million years that he'd be running his hands across it.

Jeremy raised his hands over his head as Alex pulled his shirt up and over his head. That simple act was extremely erotic to Alex, and he savored every inch of flesh that was exposed in that motion. He wanted badly to lick and taste what he was revealing.

Soon, Alex's shirt was off too. He was starting to feel self-conscious when Jeremy bent down and ran his tongue down the line that separated his pectorals. Alex enjoyed the hot trail that Jeremy left with his tongue, first down his neck, and then over to his nipple. He felt Jeremy hesitate at his nipple, and then felt as he swirled his tongue around on it. He placed his hands on Jeremy's hard shoulders and massaged the flesh there, gently pushing him down along his body.

Down from his nipple to the flat of his stomach, Alex felt Jeremy lingering on his navel, his tongue darting in and out. Jeremy sank lower, and then onto his knees. His tongue was now darting from side to side on the elastic waistband of Alex's shorts and his hands slowly started to pull them down. Alex was suddenly frightened.

"Oh, god, Jeremy, I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

Jeremy wasn't dissuaded. He looked up at Alex. "Shhh. It's okay," was all he said.

Alex's stomach knotted and he tried to concentrate on the crescent of the moon in the distance as his shorts slid down to his ankles. He didn't look down, but felt the caress of the breeze on his hard cock. He closed his eyes and let out a gasp as he felt Jeremy's warm mouth envelope the head of his penis. He felt the warmth slowly work its way up his shaft as Jeremy swallowed his manhood.

He couldn't describe the feeling. He'd had oral sex with other girls before, but this felt different. He didn't know if it was the tenderness in the way Jeremy did it, or the simultaneous feel of the breeze on his body and the hot mouth on his cock. Biting his lip was all he could do to stop from coming into Jeremy's mouth right then and there.

He felt Jeremy's tongue flick up and down the underside of his cock, and the gusts of warm air from Jeremy's nostrils when he pulled back. The tight feeling in his stomach slowly relaxed, and he placed his hands on Jeremy's head and helped to work his cock in and out of his mouth. He couldn't get over the idea that his best friend, his buddy, his lover, was tasting and sucking his manhood.

Jeremy pulled off of his cock just as Alex began moaning. He stood up and kissed Alex again on the lips. Alex could smell his own muskiness on Jeremy, the taste of his own cock working as a powerful aphrodisiac. Jeremy traced his tongue down Alex's chin to his shoulders.

"Oh god man, I want to fuck you so bad," he said, breathing on Alex's shoulders, "will you let me fuck you man?"

Alex swallowed. He was scared at the prospect, but the thought of his best friend inside of him made him harder. "Yeah man," he whispered, "I want you inside of me."

Jeremy pulled his own shorts down and stepped out of them. He wrapped his arms around the back of Alex's upper thighs. Alex could see Jeremy's biceps bulge as he was lifted into the air. He was pushed higher up the rock wall, his thighs wrapping around Jeremy's small waist. He felt the tip of Jeremy's cock on his hole and felt as Jeremy rubbed it around his rim. Jeremy dropped him a bit as the tip of his cock pushed its way in, the sweat they had already worked up acting as lubrication.

Alex stared into Jeremy's eyes as he felt Jeremy's shaft slide into him. Jeremy's eyes closed as his thrust was complete, a moan escaping from his lips. Alex placed his hands on Jeremy's biceps and felt them flex and relax as they developed a smooth and slow rocking motion.

"Tell me what it feels like," said Alex, "to have your cock in me."

Jeremy threw his head back and was emitting short moans of pleasure. "God man, you're so tight. You're so hot inside. I just want to fuck you deeper and deeper."

They continued like that for a while before the ferocity of Jeremy's thrusts threatened to tear Alex to shreds. Alex was in tears from the pain, but the pain only served to highlight the ecstasy that he was feeling. With a final convulsive motion, Alex felt Jeremy slide deep within him. In that instant, Jeremy's eyes flew open, and Alex could see his friend's ecstasy, his face contorted into a picture of pain and joy. With a shudder he felt all of Jeremy's tension released at once. He felt Jeremy's hot cum coat his insides, his cock spasming in sync with the hot spurts that he felt within. Jeremy kept his eyes open during the entire moment, and Alex knew that Jeremy wanted him to see the love that was in his eyes.

He only closed them again as Alex slid down the wall and off of his cock. Jeremy rested his head on Alex's chest for a moment, savoring the moment that had just passed.

Jeremy slid to his knees and again took Alex's cock into his mouth. Between mouthfuls, Jeremy managed to get a few words out. "Alex, I want you to cum in my mouth. I want to taste your seed."

Jeremy sucked him gently, and he could feel himself approaching a climax. Alex placed his hands on the back of Jeremy's head to help guide Jeremy's motions. He let himself look down this time and was fascinated by the sight. Jeremy's eyes were closed as his cock entered and exited his mouth. His shaft was slick with Jeremy's warm saliva, which glistened in the moonlight. Dribbles of saliva and precum ran down Jeremy's chin. Closing his eyes, Alex enjoyed the singular feeling of his friend sucking him, all other thoughts banished from his mind. He felt himself rising to a climax as Jeremy tenderly handled him.

Finally, he felt himself burst, sending a stream of his cum into Jeremy's mouth. He looked down again to see Jeremy's Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed his juices. Jeremy couldn't swallow fast enough though, and Alex watched as white liquid spilled from the corners of Jeremy's mouth and onto his chin. The sight of that put him over the edge. His moan was almost a scream as his body shuddered and convulsed in ecstasy.

Jeremy stood and kissed him for the fourth time that night. His lips were slick, and Alex could taste his own spunk on them. When their lips parted again, Alex rested his chin on Jeremy's shoulder.

"You know," he said, "I think I've always loved you more than I'd admit to myself. Thank you for having the guts to tell me how you felt. I would never have been able to do what you did."

"I was scared shitless," replied Jeremy. Alex sensed his smile. "You have no clue what I've been through this past few months. It was painful, every time I saw you."

"Well, I'd like to hear about it," offered Alex.

They talked through the night but fell silent as the sky became luminescent from the impending dawn.

For the first time in his life, Alex felt whole. To the east, the sun broke free of the horizon and again filled the world with light.

And for the first time, Alex saw the beauty in the sunrise that Jeremy always knew was there.