"Bill, I need to talk to you." (When he called me Bill, it meant we were going to have a serious talk. Well, really, it meant that he was going to have a serious talk and I was going to have a serious listen.) "Christmas break is coming up, and, I don't know how you feel, but I've grown pretty attached to you." (That might translate into: I'll miss that smiling face, but could I please take your dick home with me?) "In fact, I think I'll miss you a lot over the holidays." (Shit, Tom, just say you love me and get it over with.) "But, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. You already know I love you." (That's my boy!) "You already know I think you're the cutest thing that ever took a breath." (I can't argue with the truth.) "But you don't know how you feel about me yet." (Hold on there, cowboy. I think I know lust when I feel it.)
"Now wait a minute, Tom…."
"Just let me finish." (That's the most I ever got to say during one of our "talks". I'm kind of proud of myself. I do love him, though. God, I love him.) "You came here not even knowing that you were gay, and you're going home for Christmas knowing how to do the figure eight with a total tongue whip." (You left out the part about the hall of fame expertise.) "What I'm trying to say is that you have never had sex with anyone but me." (Awfully sure of yourself aren't you, Tom? But you're right.) "You really don't know how good looking you are. You have an ass that could sink a thousand ships." (Billy of Troy! It has a nice ring to it.)
"OK. Here it is. You're going to have sex with someone else over Christmas break."
"You are, Ace. It's going to happen. I want you to. I think you need to."
I just looked at him. Was this it? Was Tom giving me the boot? Was it over? I had no emotion. I just sat there and stared at him. I think one tear ran down my cheek. I don't know where it came from, because I had no emotion at all. Time stopped for me.
Nothing from me.
"Ace, say something."
What was I supposed to say? Here was the guy I loved telling me to go have sex with someone else… anyone else, and to enjoy myself. "If you love something, let it go." I wasn't buyin' it. I didn't want to be let go. I was happy here. This was it for me. God, don't let that hole open that was starting to tear at my heart.
"No", I said.
"No, what, Ace?"
"Don't say it. Don't say it, Tom. If you're trying to let me down easy, just walk. Don't look back. Don't say good-bye. Just go. I can take it, but I can't if you say anything else. It'll tear my heart out."
"Oh, shit, Ace."
He grabbed me and held me, and he cried. We did a lot of crying in that first year. I don't really know why. I think it was because we were guys. No one teaches guys about love and emotion and stuff. We're guys. Then, when we fall in love, and with another guy, well, we can't figure out who's supposed to feel what about whom and so, at least with Tom and me, we just cried a lot. When we didn't know what to feel, we just cried. It worked. It kind of said, "I've got this real big emotion, see, and I'm not sure whether it's sadness or happiness or love or despair, but I know it's really big and it needs to come out, so, until I figure it all out, I'm just gonna cry, OK?" So he did…and so did I. It always felt good to cry, and no one was around to tell me what a wuss I was, and, anyway, what was I supposed to do while he cried, just sit there? So I cried with him.
The best part about crying was that it always ended up with sex. I don't know why, but I really liked it that way. I think it was sharing all that emotion. Once you open up all those emotional channels, you're sort of locked in to one another, and holding on, and then your dick starts to get hard. There's something really sexy about tears running down your cheek and your dick getting hard at the same time. It kind of adds to the intensity. And then you kiss, and you taste the other guy's tears. So you've got the tears running down your cheeks, your dick's getting hard, and your mouths touch, and you taste the tears, and everything's all steamy around your faces from everything that has been going on. So the emotion you have been feeling kind of just transfers itself from your mind and your eyes to your body and your sexual organs, and there you are, making love.
It was a sweet love. I was the hurt little boy and Tom was the guy who was so sorry he had hurt me. I wanted to be made love to and have my wounds soothed and he wanted to make everything all right for me. God, what a kisser he was. Holy shit. He could send feelings through me with his tongue that no nerve ending was ever meant to pick up. I was pure putty in his hands. He stripped me slowly, never ever letting go of me completely. I had that warm feeling all over, like when you wake up in the morning. Everything about me was soft and pliable… well, almost everything, and I just relaxed and let go, like when you're in a hot bubble bath. His tongue went everywhere, and I only wished I had more places for it to go. I was lost in some sort of ecstasy and I prayed that I would never be found. This sex was all mine. He could have his later, but this was mine. When he got to my nipples, I thought I would die. The tongue, gently swirling, the teeth gently biting, the hand slowly moving down to cup my balls while he continued to moan and suck. Oh, shit, please let this last forever. Don't ever let it stop.
My dick was so hard by this time, I thought it was going to pop right open. The agony was wonderful. You know how it gets, when it wants to cum so badly, and you want it to, but you know that when it does, the wonderful agony will be gone, so you hold back as long as you possibly can without dying of the wonderful combination of pain and ecstasy and, my god he was moving down! I couldn't hold out much longer. If only I could wait until he got there. If only I could wait until those wonderful lips engulfed me and slid slowly down my shaft and those wonderful hands found my ass and pressed inside me. I wanted to cum in his beautiful hot, loving mouth, not before he got there. Hold out, Ace! He's on his way. I started moaning and moving my hands wildly over his back and through his hair. Oh god, the feeling. Come on, Tommy. Come on, boy. Closer and closer he came, the moist lips and tongue moving down my body. Now, Tom, now! You have to do it now! I gripped his back and stiffened. He knew. He moved quickly down and literally inhaled my dick completely into his mouth, pushing a finger into my ass. My whole body erupted in an orgasm all at once. Every part of me blew wide open. I made no sound. I couldn't breathe. Every muscle screamed in ecstasy. Every part of me seemed to be cumming all at once. How many times I shot, I will never know. I only know it seemed endless and that the feeling was so intense that I think I blacked out right at the peak.
Tom was scared to death. "Ace, Ace, are you ok, Ace?"
I looked up at him and tried to smile, but my body was still feeling such an orgasm afterglow that it was hard for me to form any expression on my lips. That seemed to be enough for him. He collapsed on top of me and kissed me thrusting his tongue inside. The taste of my sperm was everywhere. It was wonderful. Everything was wonderful. Everything was perfect.
But it wasn't, was it? Eventually the glow had to wear off and I had to face the awful truth whatever it was. But how could someone who could make such wonderful love to me want me to be with someone else? I just couldn't understand it. Tom had gone out while I slept off my wonderful sexual stupor. I heard him come back in quietly.
"It's ok, you can make noise. I'm awake. That was amazing, Tommy, my love. Want to do it again?"
"You couldn't take it again. By the way, have I told you lately that you are the most beautiful thing to ever hit the planet? God, Ace, just look at you, that platinum hair, those wonderful lips, that schoolboy mischief in your eyes."
"And the dick?"
"Well, that goes without saying. But it's your ass that's your crowning glory. When you die, I'm going to have it bronzed."
"Then, why do you want to lose me, Tom?
"That's what you were saying, isn't it, that we would probably break up over Christmas?"
"Oh, Billy, is that what you think? Oh, shit, baby. No. No wonder you were crying. I love you, Ace. Nothing can ever change that, ever. Something inside me has changed since I met you, Ace, and I can never go back. I can't ever imagine being without you."
He held me and kissed me and, you guessed it, I cried. Let me hasten to point out that we didn't walk around crying twenty-four hours a day. I know it seems like we did, but we had our fun times too. Not that being made love to by the best looking guy in town wasn't fun, but you know what I mean. We were guys, right? No one should see our emotions. Well, that's not entirely true. We were allowed to curse and hit in public. We could even laugh hysterically at dirty jokes. But we saved our crying for us. We were never, ever, ashamed of it. I don't ever remember thinking that Tom was weak when he cried and I know he didn't think I was. That's why we could do it so easily and so honestly. There's no need to hold back the tears when they're honest and will be understood.
"Now listen, Ace, and listen knowing that our relationship is tight just as long as you want it to be. It won't ever be me who decides to leave. I promise you that. I don't know exactly how I know, but I know this is a forever thing we've got here. What I'm trying to say to you is that I've had a chance to sew my wild oats. I hate that term, but I think it sounds a lot better than fuck around. And I have, Bill, fucked around. You know that. It was before I knew I loved you, but you know I was even having sex while we were living together here. You haven't. I am your only lover. I know that you are the most wonderful person in the world. I also know you are the sexiest, most beautiful, horniest man on earth. What I was trying to say is that one day you are going to meet someone cute and nice and as horny as you are and you are going to think about having sex with this guy. It might be a weak moment, or you might be drunk, or you might have sex with him just for the hell of it. Damn, Ace, you might even like it. His dick may be twelve feet long. Do it, Ace. Be careful. Don't bring anything back. I don't want anything extra for Christmas, but do it. I want you to know. I don't want you pledging your love to me without ever knowing. I don't want you down the road to wonder what another guy might have felt like, or what it might have been like to kiss some cute stranger. You're human, Ace. Boy, are you human! I don't want you to feel guilty when that part of you takes over."
"You were giving me your blessing to play around?"
"And I suppose that means that you just might suck Santa's dick if it happens to come up?"
"So, is this all just to make you feel better because you have no intention of going without during Christmas break?
Tom got a funny look on his face. "Whoa, Ace, I never thought of that. I don't think so. At least I hope not. I swear to God that's not what I was thinking."
"But you are going to have sex, if you have the chance?"
"Yeah, Ace, I guess I am." I could tell that Tom didn't know what to say next. He was so honest that he had painted himself into a corner again. I had to teach that boy the art of the little white lie.
"OK, it's a deal."
"Screw your ass off, Tom, ole buddy, and I hope your dick falls off." He grabbed me and picked me up and whirled me around over his head and dropped me on the bed. He then proceeded to try to tickle me to death. Just as I was taking my last breath, he stopped. He took my head in his hands and looked at me very seriously.
"You didn't really mean that, did you?"
"That you hoped my dick fell off."
"Well, I guess that was pretty nasty."
"Yes, it was."
"Ok, I hope just your left nut falls off."
More tickling. I should have known better.
"I really don't care either."
"You don't, Ace?"
"I just don't want to know about it, OK?"
"Same here, Ace."
"But you love me, Tom?"
"With all my heart, Ace."
"It's your dick I'm worried about."
"I love you with all my dick, Ace."
"Now I'm happy."
"Go to sleep, shithead."
I'm glad we had that talk. Christmas break was going to be unbelievable.
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